The self is not a singular, solid entity but is an "interbeing."

Being the oldest child in my family and having a tendency to over-idealize other people, I succumb to self-blame pretty easily. The other day, that tendency was in fine form! I suppose the fact that it was Friday the 13th was a contributing factor :)  However, I found profound relief in a passage I read later that night from a book entitled "The Power of Grace." So often, our issues result from the false idea that we possess a substantial self that is the core reality in our lives. It is this false self that fixates either on puffing itself up with pride (the temptation of some) or on castigating itself (the temptation of people like myself). In both cases, the supposed reality of a solid, substantial, individualized self is simply assumed. But in his book, David Richo points out that:

"Entities are not things but relationships, interconnections. There are no beings, only interbeing. Hamlet's real "question" was "To be WITH or not to be" . . . What we can call the sense of self is consciousness of or an an experience of a personal identity. But that self-identity keeps changing as it interacts with other identities. It is not stable but ever shape-shifting in flow with people and circumstances. Thus we humans are a single CONNECTED self."

It occurred to me as I read this passage that the interactions in which I feel blame are only one variety of the relational, connected self. During those times when a particular interaction brings out the worst in us - or at least an experience of self-castigation - we can view these as opportunities to begin connecting with a realm that elicits more positive experiences. For me, this means especially connecting with my anam cara - my wife, my soul friend - and with the sublime beauties of the natural world. After spending quality time (especially on weekends) with these positive elements of interbeing, a fresh self - one that is also ancient and eternal - is gradually formed and sustained. It is this identity which then gives me the strength to face the challenges of the week. With this fresh self, I am able to place less stock in the seeming reality of the the negative interactions, and more in those that are positive!

Photo: Two Crocus flowers blooming on the Naropa University Campus, Boulder, CO, February 13, 2015