In the presence of the magnificent Mt. Rainier, I frequently feel a combination of both delight and frustration. On the one hand, I delight in the mountain's intense and massive beauty, yet I also feel frustrated that I cannot really possess or grasp the breadth of such loveliness. This awareness is heightened by the fact that no photograph can ever do justice to the vast grandeur of this mountain. It's almost as though I feel swallowed up in intense desire. As the poet Rilke says, it is a beauty that "just barely disdains to annihilate us." In this case, I feel on the verge of being annihilated in my own unfulfilled desire to somehow possess and be united to the beauty of Mt. Rainier. Of course, this mountain embodies the capacity to annihilate in another sense as well. Often called "the most dangerous volcano in America," scientists are quite aware of the destructive capacity of Rainier on account of the mountain's close proximity to a variety of metropolitan areas.
For me, "the Mountain" manifests itself as an undeniably feminine presence. Many different local tribes have their own name for Rainier. For example, the Nisqually tribe calls it "Tacobet," which is sometimes translated "nourishing breast." Indeed, for me, the mountain does seem like one of Mother Earth's awe-inspiring breasts, with nearby Mount Adams perhaps completing the pair. In any case, I've always experienced feminine beauty as an awe-inspiring combination of allure and fierceness, like a beautiful fireworks display that simultaneously draws us toward it, yet also pushes us away as it explodes in all of its grandeur.
In the presence of the allure of Rainier - Tacobet - I also feel intensely alone in my unfulfilled desire, as though I'm continually TURNED BACK on my own unfulfilled longing to possess such beauty. However, my frustration transforms itself into fulfillment when I imagine a mythical image that puts it all into perspective. As Joseph Campbell would say, sometimes MYTH is the only way to express a paradoxical experience; in this case, the simultaneous presence of both delight and frustration in the presence of the intense beauty of Rainier. Accordingly, I find myself imagining "the Mountain" as a mythical goddess - a sort of North American Aphrodite - who playfully uses her massive chest to crush me against the wall of my own selfhood, turning me back on myself and forcing on me an enhanced experience of my own smallness and unfulfilled longing. Interestingly, this image implies that the feminine presence inhabiting the Mountain feels a desire for me that is just as intense as my longing for her. Viewed through a mythical lens, my longing for the sacred feminine thus turns out to be a participation in HER longing for me. Rather than becoming upset because I cannot
seem to possess Her, I discover that I am already possessed by Her! For
my longing for Her has its source in Her longing for me!
Perhaps half of the dozen times I've visited her, Tacobet hides herself in heavy fog, an occurrence which symbolizes for me a vastness which is too huge to be adequately experienced precisely BECAUSE IT IS SO CLOSE. Here, I understand that my seeming aloneness - being intensely introverted and turned back on my own feeling of unfulfilled desire - actually comes from a sense of intimacy, where the feminine presence of the Mountain shoves herself against me, playfully crushing me against the wall of my own selfhood, making all turn hazy and dark. Here, my frustration turns to joy when I understand that Tacobet's seeming absence and her intimate presence and longing for union with me TURN OUT TO BE THE SAME THING! Thus, I am healed when I realize that my heightened desire - longing turned back on itself - is actually a sign of the intimacy of the Mountain and of her intense union with me. As a consequence, my longing is finally able to coexist with a deep sense of fulfillment!
Photo: Cliff Penstemon and Mt. Rainier at sunset, Mt. Fremont Trail, Mt. Rainier National Park, WA; July 24, 2012
